Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Yesterday was addy's first apt with her physical therapist. I really like her, she is so sweet, her name is Judy. She brought addison a black and white animal book. And she loves it. Sometimes I wonder when people are talking to me about her are they being extra nice or addy really just doing that awesome. She was really impressed the way she was holding her head up and how she was moving. it made me sooo happy, she kept saying this awesome i love what im seeing, she is doing so good. It made me feel like hey at least im doing something right. She was also really happy about the fact that addison is breastfeeding. That was such a struggle in the begining. I thought for sure it would be easy considering I felt I was a breastfeeding pro. But it was really hard getting her to latch on. But now its a breeze.
On monday we go to St. pete to meet with her surgeon, Dr. Chai. We have already met him once while I was pregnant and basically got a low down of what was going to happen. they thought that she was going to need surgery right away but she didnt. She has done sooooo good since she was born. The doctors have been so happy with her. I just hope it continues to go this well. I am really dreading her going into surgery. I think when they want to take her from me to get her ready for surgery I might just have her in my arms and turn around and run out the door. But I know in my heart that she needs this surgery. Its just really hard. I try to paint this pretty picture of my life, and try to be happy but some days it just doesnt work like that. I just look at my lil girl and think how could anything be wrong she looks so perfect. Its so hard when we go to st. pete for the simple fact that it just screams "there really is something wrong". And I HATE that. One of these days I will find that magic wand that fixes everything.... but until then I just have to buck up and deal. Many people say how do you do it. And my answers is because I have to. There is no way anyone in there right mind would chose for their child to have a heart defect. So just deal with what hand you are given. And this is my hand. And I will get through it. I just have to keep telling myself that. We will get through it. Life isn't easy. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to have Addison, I love her with every single piece, molecule, and breathe of my body. But why does she have to have a heart defect. Iv'e never really been too sad about the fact that she has down syndrome. Thats not what bothers me, because I know she will be basically like any other child, but the heart defect is what gets to me. Its what keeps me up at night, tossing and turning dreading this day that is right around the corner and there is nothing I can do to stop it from coming. Im just having one of those days where I think about it all and all I want to do is cry. But I know I have to be strong. Thank you god for getting me through these days and thank you for giving me such amazing support through my family and friends.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

First day

Today was Hailey's first day of VPK.

I didn't know how I was going to react. Would I cry?? Ever
yone thought I would. But surprisingly I didn't. Everything happened so fast. I didn't even really get to enjoy what was happening. I cannot wait for her to go to kindergarten, that's where the real tears will be. The heart wrenching sobbing that will follow our walk through the halls after I wave to my lil baby in her new classroom and walk to my car. That's when it will start. These are days I will never forget. The firsts are always so wonderful. I can't wait for all the firsts my lil girls are going to enjoy together. And what they will accomplish. I cant wait to hang that first picture where Hailey writes her full name, in beautiful kindergarten lettering. I just can't wait. I enjoy being a mom so much. Its so amazing to feel this way. This is something you cannot know until you actually have your own child. It feels so priceless. I am so lucky.

I really am. Tomorrow Addison will have another evaluation with her physical therapist, Judy. I talked to her on the phone. She sounded so sweet. One of those people that really actually enjoy their job. I cant wait to meet her tomorrow. I can't wait to learn all the things I can do to let Addy have the best chance at everything. I can't wait until my baby is crawling. Then walking and talking. There is just soo much to look forward too

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Today we went for a weight check for Addy, and she is 9lbs 12 oz and 22 inches long. I'm so proud of her for growing! Makes me happy.

Its been a little rough here in there, in the beginning we were going to the doctors every week to make sure she was gaining. And I think she is doing an awesome job considering her circumstances. And now we are about to leave for Hailey to have another eye doctors appointment lets hope she does better this time with her new glasses. This month is so busy. There is so much to do. On friday we go to St. Pete for a Cardiology apt for Addison, and we are going to find out when she is getting surgery. This is going to be tough. I have a feeling im not going to do so well on the way up there and back. Lets see how everything goes. Im dreading her having surgery. Im so scared. I have never been so scared for anything in my life. But I know my little Addy is strong and she will do awesome. I just hope this time we go to the apointment she does better with the ultrasound on her heart. Because last time she cried for a very long time and it was just too much too handle, because then it was my turn to cry because she was so upset. Ill keep my fingers crossed things go better this time.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My first born made her appearance 4 years ago yesterday on August 14th 2006. I can't believe she has already been here for 4 years. Here is her birth story.

This is Hailey at home when she is only a couple days old.

Hailey Makenzie Miller is here!

She was born on Monday, August 14, 2006 at 9:47 p.m. It was a long labor! On Sunday night at 4:00 p.m. I went into the hospital with my mom and Scott (daddy) to start cervadil (to soften my cervix and get my body ready for labor). The next morning at 6:00 a.m they started me on the pitocin drip (this starts my contractions). At about 8:00 a.m. my contractions started coming very fast and close together. The doctor came in and checked me and I was still only at about 2 cm dilated. Around 11:30 I felt a strange pop, from the inside! I was talking to my mom at the time and said omg did you hear that, she said what? I said i just felt this wierd pop and I could hear it too. Then I said I think my water broke. The nurse came in to check me, and at first the strip came back negative for fluid. Then I stood up and got out of the bed and whooosh, all over the floor. My water HAD broke! A little while longer and I couldn't take the contractions anymore. The doctor came in to check me and decided that I was moving too much and they needed to put an internal monitor in me to check the babies heart rate and monitor my contractions. Once they had that in you could see how bad my contractions were on the monitor they were going crazy closer then one minute apart. I was not getting any breaks and I could not take it any more, at this point I was barely dilated to 4. The doctor basically strecthed my cervix to a 4, and it hurt like no other. After that the nurses convinced me to get an epidural. That was horrible. I was having horrible contractions and trying to stay still, they put the epi. in me 3 times before it was done right, and it hurt. After that was done and they started to pump the drugs in I could finally relax a little with only feeling a little pressure with each contraction instead of the massive amount of pain I had before. The doctors checked me through out the day and then at 9 they came in and gave me the news. It had been a failed induction. they asked me if I wanted to do a C section now or wait till the morning. I couldnt take it anymore and I was ready for Hailey so I decided to go ahead with it right then. They explained what was going to happen and wheeled me off into the operating room. After they finally set everything up and was ready for me to go, they started to pump the medication into the epidural tube I had and waited for me to get numb. It took a little while longer then usual I could still feel stuff. My upper body started to shake and my teeth were chattering from all the medication. Scott came in finally and they had already started to cut me open. I could still feel the knife slide across me where they were cutting, but no pain just the pressure. It was the strangest thing. There was a whole bunch of pressure and pulling and finally out popped the baby they sucked her nose and throat out and I could hear her cry. They showed her to me quickly then took her to be cleaned off and scott followed them to be with her the whole time. I was so relieved that it was finally done. I was so happy. They sewed me all up and hooked me up to some blood pressure machine and and waited to make sure I was ok for about 45 minutes. they also pulled out my epidural and hooked me up to more pitocin so I would keep having contractions and I wouldnt hemorage or anything. When they took me into the room to see Hailey I was so happy I couldnt contain my self. It hadnt set in yet that the pain medication had stopped and the contractions were coming again. She slept alot that first night. I was still in alot of pain, but by the next morning the contractions were almost done and after the pitocin was stopped i felt much better. Alot of people came and visited Hailey and I at the hospital. It was a pretty crazy experience but now she is here and perfect. She was 6lbs. 2oz. and 19 1/2 inches long when she was born. OK now that I have rambled on for hours thats the story.

Its amazing how you have no idea how much you can love your own child. Its something that is so insane and crazy there is not enough words to describe it. And before that day I had no idea what I was in for. I had all these ideas and thoughts about what I could do. And thank God we have made it through 4 years. lol. Some days my lil munchkin drives me so crazy but to think about how I felt holding her for the first time is something I will cherish for the rest of my life and then some. However I am already dreading the teenage years....God help me when that happens.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Pause Button

Ive come to realize as I am getting older that time literally flies by so fast I barely have time to blink. And the fact that I have children makes it go by even faster. I began to realize this after I had Hailey. In the beginning I remember putting photos in her album and thinking ill remember how old she is, 1 week, 2 week, 3 week. Things like this. Then all of a sudden Hailey is 6 months old and I cant even vaguely remember how old she is in any of the pictures. Where did all the time go? I ask myself this a lot lately. Now Hailey is about to be 4 years old.Where did my little tiny baby go? And now with Addison she has already been here 14 weeks? What the hell? Wasn't I just pregnant? How did I become a mommy of 2 so fast? Its just so crazy. I love watching my girls grow up, but sometimes I wish I had a pause button...